Sunday, December 23, 2007

Don't quit...

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must but don't you quit

Life is queer with its twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won, had he stuck it out
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit


Wednesday, December 05, 2007


I succumb to the blog again...whining about my mysteriously busy life. I have no idea where all my time goes. No one really knows. Right now I'm supposed to be doing this mammoth HRM assignment which has already been covered for the most part, thanks to my wonderful group in HRM. You guys rock. Thank you! Oh and there's this killer FI quiz tomorrow, gotta study for that too...the mids were very screwed up, more than half the class is failing. Not helping though is this terrible "headache in my head" in Meera's rhetoric (Also, please see: "The court is in your balls now").

Regardless of how uncool it may sound, I don't like eating out. No matter how delicious the food may taste, I can't help but notice the low level of hygiene in their kitchens (HAAN BHEI MAIN BOHOT ANGRAIZ HOON AUR SEAT-BELT BHI LAGATA HOON). But its ok as long as the conversation makes up for everything else. Unfortunately that wasn't the case today. And I hate arguing about shit that I hate arguing about! Bottom line, I hate arguments in all their forms and manifestations. I mean for crying out loud, why would anyone in their sane mind consider it gay to give respect to a woman? And if you didn't know why you don't have anyone but yourself to hang out with in college, now you so do. I know its good for a laugh but you people are the ones who should think about this, not me. I have no regrets, no insecurities and no confidence issues. I am not afraid of anyone or anything. And it is certainly not my problem if you refuse to move on and let your mentality grow beyond what it used to be in high school. I believe in giving genuine respect to each and every friend and acquaintance of mine and that's what I do, be it a guy or girl. I can't ignore them on my way to class just like I can't ignore you. It doesn't matter if I meet them twice a day or in years, I've made it a habit to eventually let go of whatever went wrong between me and them...cuz cmon, you only live once...there's no point in holding grudges. I know being the friend of all means having no real friends at all but I like meeting new people, I still hang out with the friends I made in 1989! And I'm sorry if you can't make new friends and claim to be "class conscious". Bullshit. I beg you to let go of the very basic primate style perception of the world. Stop being lucy hypocrites. To me, looks aren't important the way they used to be in my teens. I'm past it. Sure, I love crazy hair styles and find that don't-give-a-damn attitude to be a huge turn on. And the people who know me well actually understand what I mean when I say it, there's nothing complicated about it. Too bad you carry your x-ray vision with you all the time. Too bad you see every loosely dressed girl as a whore dying to get into bed with you...or may I say, even you. And that's the reason you walk alone and singing that song doesn't make you cool. Try to look into a girl's eyes instead of trying to see through her clothing, at least when you're in a conversation, one on one. And I know that EVEN YOU know I'm right cuz I know you well enough. Losing your dignity for the sake of winning an argument aint worth it my friends. And I'm sure every time you talk like that, something pinches you from the inside...cuz you know that there are women in your family too. I'm pretty damn sure none of you think or talk about them like that. And that's respect. moving beyond the basics and I wish you could exhibit that everywhere. And if you think I've got a crowd of girls around me all the time, I'm afraid you're mistaken, its only what you choose to see and I'd have to insist; You need to jump on a train that goes beyond tits and ass. Have a nice trip.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Bubbly!!! :D

Will you count me in?

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feeling like a child now
`Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts at my toes and I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
please stay for a while now
Just take your time where ever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start at my toes make me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now
Just take your time where ever you go

But what am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just...mmmmmmmm

It starts at my toes makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da dum
Bom bo da da da da da da da da da bom
Mmm mmm

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose the feeling shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
holding me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
where ever, where ever, where ever you go

Oh wherever you go I always know
'Cause you make me smile baby just for a while

My bad

So...its around 3:30 am. Gotta go to college tomorrow and I'm still up for no real reason. The artificially created insomnia continues. Just came back from the carnival at Askari 3 and it kinda sucked. First day after the mids tomorrow and I can feel the pressure of the finals already. Quite a few assignment submissions coming up. Went to this MBR focus group conducted at some coffee house this saturday night with Hasan. The coffee was great especially because it was free. That was fun, except for when we were leaving...cuz this girl in the group actually knew me from my HRM class and was a witness to the me-on-the-floor-with-my-legs-up episode. And I had to tell the rest of the gang about it then - again. What they didn't know was that that wasn't the only thing that happened that day. Later that night, when I was on a walk in front of Expo, a white Civic stopped in front of me. The person inside had wet, dark black hair, tons of kajal and make-up. "Cmon janu, get in the car! Cmon!" - it was a guy. Apparently someone very gay. I just kept walking to save my ass from being gang raped by these mysterious silhouettes in the car. It was when I discussed this with my friends in the neighborhood that I found out that its a norm at Expo at night. Just your presence over there means you're waiting to be picked up by someone like...that someone mentioned above. In short, its a statement and it says: I'M GAY & I WANT IT BAD. Yes I know it may surprise a few people but walking around expo at night is not recommended anymore if you're straight. And this was worse than that time when this weird guy with a pink cell phone came to me when I was waiting for a friend at KFC - Khayaban-e-Ittehad and asked me if I'm the guy from that commercial. I said John when he asked me my name and ran away. I suck when it comes to striking up conversations with homosexuals and pimps. I know.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

"How does it feel?"

You don't have to mention it again, thank you. No it is not necessary to bring it up again. Please don't, ever. Yes I know it seemed pretty funny to 40 odd people when I made history again today. And though its hard to believe, I found it funny too! You girls are useless, start exercising or something yaar! Pathetic reflexes I must say. I mean you could see the horror on my face as I was falling almost in slow motion. And I instantly knew its that time of the year when even my cheeks turn pink. I guess I took it pretty well though. Someone told me its not how bad you fall, but how long you stay on the ground. I got up all right! And gave you all an opportunity to laugh for 10 mins plus whenever you see me again. I guess there's something about this blue shirt. It always leads to an increase in my infamy. And somehow I end up liking it. Yes sir I'm fine and feel pretty amazing. I'm quite used to making an ass out of myself in public. Its been a while, yeah. And you know what's even cooler? Writing stuff that nobody really gets. Yeah baby, I rock...wooh!

Thursday, November 08, 2007


Things haven't changed much since I was 4. The black ink spots on my drawing room wallpaper, the furniture, old books, cards, notes, how they make me feel when I close my eyes and turn the pages...and how the air off them smells like 1991. And're still everywhere. Sure I was innocent back then. All I wanted to do was to hold your hand and look at you forever without ever saying anything. And you always knew how it was, or perhaps it was the greatest lie I had ever told myself. Every song I heard, every movie I watched, every person I met...somehow reminded me of you. And it still happens once in a very dark blue moon. It wasn't your fault. Its just silly me...I ended up relating everything to you. And made it an excuse for everything I did wrong in my life. I started deriving pleasure from living in my self-created misery. But it did end, and it wasn't pretty. Calling it awkward would be an understatement. I hope you understand, I had no choice. I had to do what I did. And everything happens for the best, or that's how one should rationalize anyway. And you still visit me sometimes. Thank you for that. Thank you for those glances from behind trees and fences when I'm walking slow and you think I wouldn't notice. I notice a lot but realization evades me until later. And guess what...I just realized you'll never read this.
"...i wonder how many 20 year olds write blogs and diaries and notes every single day littered with the word love in it. i wonder how many glorify it when it is bullshit and how many think they have it when they dont. i wonder how many people feel obliged to love only because they hear he is in love with them, and then i wonder how many tell themselves every day they are soooooo in love maaaaan, because it makes them complete. i wonder how many people say they are in love because they feel beautiful when he is looking at them. or how many strongly believe this is love because they cant get over how beautiful she looks when the sun falls into her eyes. or how many think they are in love because heyyyy!this must belove because he isnt gorgeous and he isnt so terrific and yet i cant get enough of him.
and im sitting here wondering...i hate teen angst phenomenon.
and im sitting here telling myself I am above all of it. or past it. and im lying again. but i believe it. so dont point that finger at me...."

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Zombie Rhyme

Come to me, I'll accept you with open arms. Push me to the limit and I'll be blind to your charms. Then you can cry all you want in that dark corner of your room. Silly as hell you are and that's all I'd assume. I gave you a chance but now you're out of time. And that is why I write here the Zombie Rhyme. So you thought your words cut me like a knife? I'd say girl, seriously get a life! Sure I stay up all night, yes its true. I lose sleep for people, but only a few. I think this, I do that...I'm so damn confused. My anger is like a bomb, waiting to be diffused. My life is a mess, I'll have to admit. So with all due respect, I don't need your shit. What made you think you're so paramount? Cuz honestly I can sell you at a 90% discount. I made a promise, that with losers I won't be stuck. I've seen your ways, and sunshine you totally suck. I find you repulsive, the feeling is intense. So please buzz off now, offense.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

More than you, more than you know...

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
And I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Chris Daughtry - Over You

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Smallishness

Zoom out! Zoom out until the globe becomes a small tennis ball. And on the ball live billions of people. Walking, running, eating, smiling, laughing...crying, bleeding, screaming, dying...or worse, getting heartbroken.

You too lie on the ball...wondering how it revolves around you. But open your eyes and look at the ball. The realization will come. It doesn't.

And so who cares if you bleed? Who cares if you cry? It happens every day. It happens to millions everyday. Nobody will come to wipe your tears. You're the one who has to change, who has to move on. You're the one who will have to fight...and win.

Most of us are heroes in our eyes. And rightly so. For its this sense of security and achievement that gives us reason to live. Everybody you meet everyday must've suffered, must've seen sleepless nights. They must've put their blood, sweat and tears into something....and still lost. Never judge a book by its cover.

And now that its happening to you, zoom out. And look at that small green circular thing. Your pain will look small. You will feel silly. You will get up. You will smile. And with that shake of your head, you will move on. You will survive. You will live.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

The funniest ever video description on YouTube!!

"Alright, ruling out the Ice Caps melting, meteors becoming crashed into us , the Ozone layer leaving and the Sun exploding , we're definitely going to blow ourselves up.

Hokay, so basically we've got China, France, India, Isreal, Pakistan, Russia, the U.K. and Us...with nukes...(We've got about 2600 more than anybody else, whatever).

Henyway, one day, we decides, those Chinese sonsofabitches are going down. So we launch a nuke at China. While it's on it's way, China's like, "Shit shit! Who the fuck is shooting us?" "Oh well! Fire missiles!"

Then France is like, "Shit guys...we got ze missiles zey are coming! Fire our shit!" "But I'm le tired"..."Well, have a nap-zen fire ze missiles!!!"

Meanwhile, Australia is down there like, "wtf, mates?" India, Isreal and Pakistan launch their shit , so now we've got missiles flying everwhere, passing each other. Russia's like, "AAAHHH!! Motherland!" Then England's like, "'Bout that time, eh, chaps?"..."Righto"...

So now the U.S. is like, "Fuck, we're dumbasses" . Canada's like, "What's going on, eh?" Australia's still like, "wtf?" Mars is laughing at us. And some huge meteor is like, "Well fuck that"...

So, now we've got nuclear winter , heveryone's dead 'cept Australia, and they're still like, "wtf?"...But they'll be dead soon. Fucking Kangaroos.

But, assuming we don't blow ourselves up, us Californians just have to worry about California breaking off from the United States. To go hang with Hawaii . Alaska can come too

The End! "

Thursday, July 05, 2007


Whoever said that the mullas at the "Red Mosque" lost...think again. The boss got himself body-searched with a group of women, BY a group of women. Mission accomplished. He must be one happy mulla now.

Because for everything in this country, there's a conspiracy here's mine.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

That lovable hate list

I try not to judge people. But I can't help it if I discover their online presence before I actually get to meet them. And then I look at each and every thing they've written on their profile whether its Orkut, Facebook, a blog or whatever...I never really read it, but look at it like a picture. It really matters to me how people express themselves in written language. It tells a lot about them. How they use capital letters, punctuation, how much are they willing to disclose about themselves, what kind of people have they added to their profiles, how they use words to describe emotions, what kind of testimonials or public messages/scraps do they have, whether they say "haha" or "LOL", how good is their grammar, etc. I don't know if others notice this stuff...I'm a freak.

But I believe written language reveals the real you. I'm not sure if this is because of my own internal representations or what, but I believe I can feel people through their words. I form impressions of how they want to be perceived, what they want the world to know and what they have to show for themselves. I can almost feel their deepest fears and vulnerabilities in ways that can not be articulated. I can smell the early morning air right now and hear those birds who always seem to wake up on time. And yet here I am writing this without the slightest idea of what day/time/date it is. "It is overwhelming, to cautiously reveal your own revolting vulnerabilities and watch them being collected gently, even adoringly, into another part of you that some- one can find beautiful."

Hate is a strong word. I don't think I can hate anyone. Not permanently, at least. People are people. People are not their behaviors. Behaviors and people are different things. But the relation of people with their behaviors can never be denied. We end up associating feelings with people rather than their behaviors, we're not robots, its quite natural. So, there are behaviors that I hate, especially concerned with written expression...which implies that I "hate people" who:

  • Use capital letters inappropriately, without realizing how THIS MEANS YOU'RE SCREAMING!
  • Write romantic stuff to describe themselves.
  • In case of social networking, add up random people asking for their friendship. I mean how sad are you guys?
  • Use "nicks" to reveal their deepest secrets and still refuse to actually discuss them. I mean, is there a camera rolling on you or what? WTF!?
  • Use their passport or "modeling" photos as their display pics.
  • Say stuff like "You Rocks!" or "You suxxx"
  • Say "Hi too!" in reply to Hi! regularly.
  • Use photos with some silly Allama Iqbal like side-poses.
  • Write "cute na?" as a caption.
  • Start every sentence with the word "well".
  • Use "133t" speak.
  • Wear shades indoors and upload a complete photo session in the given circumstances.
  • Upload their shirtless photos and think they're attracting chicks. Think again, you're gay as in GAY and not as in happy.
  • Have ANYTHING to do with Star Plus or any Desi Soap for that matter.
  • Have "text pictures" on their profiles.

As the moderator of my school and college communities on Orkut and Facebook, I experience this shit everyday. I'm not saying this is how it should be or this is how the world should work. Its more a matter of opinion. I say all of the above mentioned people deserve to be exiled from civilized society. Such people shall be ignored and/or avoided by everyone who is or aims to be popular in college and have a life one day. I'm actually a bit surprised how the tone of this post has changed all of a sudden. Guess I'll go running, time to sleep.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

For the Literary & Public Speaking Society magazine...2nd draft :p

Bus kerdo Bus!

This article is rated PG 13 and “Disgusting” by the critics.

Reader discretion is advised.

For some reason, our beloved college is located in Korangi Creek which is not the most easily accessible area of the city. This makes getting to CBM something of a challenge every morning. And there are days when I miss the Point and/or get ditched and get no ride with friends either. That’s when I come to college in S2. Now what exactly is S2? Sounds like some new luxury car doesn’t it? No sir, it’s a public bus!

I ended up with just 2 classes in a week when I registered for summer ’05. Therefore, it wasn’t practical paying for the point. So for the first time ever in my life, I decided to travel in a public bus…in S2! A few “macho”, “seen it all”, “been there, done that” kind of guys made fun of me when they found out that I had never traveled in a bus before. Despite the fact that I thought their “standards of masculinity” were quite low, I took it up as a challenge. The experience wasn’t so bad at first, apart from the stinky people and some very desperate-to-have-a-seat stinky people. S2 usually takes about 45 minutes to reach Korangi Crossing from my place and is relatively less crowded than other buses. So life wasn’t so bad after all…until the day “it” started happening, a streak of events that changed my life forever! Umm…well, sort of!

First, there was this piece of metal hanging from one of the worn out seats and it ripped a good part of my jeans off. I bunked my class that day. Then I started noticing how some strange people at the back always invited young boys eagerly to sit with them and I don’t feel like elaborating on that right now. But the best was yet to come. During one of my journeys, I was peacefully reminiscing about how I hit some big guy for a six out of the park when the person sitting ahead of me decided to spit through the window. We’ve all witnessed how the “Sultans of Swing” Waqar and Wasim have troubled batsmen over the years but this one really topped it all. I saw the saliva fly through his window only to come back through mine and hit me in the face. My world went blank. I remember trying to re-program my senses, trying to tell myself that it’s just a nightmare. I probably tried to pinch myself too. But it felt so real. Just recalling the feeling…the whole “texture” of it…sends shivers down my spine. Oh well, life goes on I guess. But on the positive side, it was quite literally the most amazing “piece” of reverse swing ever!

On yet another occasion, I realized that the person sitting with me was hunting for treasure in his nose but it never dawned upon him that his biggest gem had already landed on my forearm. I wanted to punch his brains out but then remembered from whatever little amount of experience I had, that there are certain rules when it comes to fighting in a bus. No matter how personal your issue is, the involvement of all the passengers in it is inevitable, so you have to get them on your side first. To achieve this, you need to beat the person in a rhetoric battle. Basically, you have to tear the other person apart with your rhetoric such that the audience understands and agrees with you. The louder and wittier you are, the better your chances of winning. Whoever wins the rhetoric battle joins hands with the rest of the public and beats the crap out of the loser. And honestly, I suck at confrontations and since the best come-back I usually come up with is “jo kehta hai woi hota hai”, I decided it wasn’t worth the risk and effort. But of course you can skip this step in certain cases. For example, you can absolutely smack people when you feel like their hands are crawling anywhere on your body (unless you like that, of course). The culprits would most likely respond by suddenly jumping out of the fast moving bus. Sure they’d end up on the road but don’t worry, somehow they always survive.

Conductors aren’t the nicest of people either. They usually argue with passengers for no real reasons and no matter how hard you try to protect your shoes, they will step on them sooner or later. They will ask you to move ahead and make space even when it’s not an option. They tell men to occupy the female passenger seats and hog the left over space by holding on to one of those life saving rusty poles. An interesting fact about conductors is that they are hard to spot sometimes because almost everybody traveling in S2 looks like a conductor. I remember how I just assumed this random person coming towards me was the conductor when actually he was not. He gave me the strangest of looks when I tried to pay him the fare. Also, there are people who carry bags or other objects and make sure they hit you with them from time to time until you offer to carry their load for them. It’s not always so bad though. I’ve seen a few good things too. Like, people respect the elderly. They leave their seats for them. And…and umm…oh yea! Err no I guess that’s it.

So the whole experience has made me The Alpha Male now, therefore, I can own any of you out there, any day of the week. Anyways, I guess summer ‘05 was probably a period of extreme bad luck since I still travel in S2 sometimes when I get ditched and such things don’t happen anymore. Through this magazine, I would like to make a request though: On your way to college, if you ever find me on Korangi Crossing, please consider what I’ve been through, stop your car and give me a lift. Thank you very much. You are magar mach.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Summary of 99% people you'll meet at college


TCA can find something racial or discriminating in everything. Unlike activist annie, TCA doesn’t have the courage to stand for what they believe, in front of large crowds. Resembling the facebook zombie, TCA spends countless hours searching for groups that may be the least bit offensive. TCA will join groups just to make strong, false accusations and posts. TCA may be seldom seen with activist annie to avoid association. You will never find TCA at any major demonstration.


This person is someone you chilled out with once or twice, and found you had a lot in common with. You run into them maybe 4-5 times a semester, usually at a party or while running late for class. No matter the situation, their characteristic response is: "Gah, we need to hang out some time. Call me, and we'll (insert mutually beneficial activity here)." You agree, but neither make any effort to call one another to hang out.


The G.I. immediately has to know what grade you got on test the second you get it. G.I. will not divulge their own grade if yours was higher. If G.I. did get a higher grade, they'll offer a sympathetic shrug and let you know you did better than so and so and keep your head up.


You will never hear this guy/girl ever say anything, whether it be to other students or the professor. Then one day, after looking extremely intense or constipated for an hour straight, they will say something so gloriously insightful that it will bring tears to the eyes of everyone who bears witness to it.

Then they will never speak again.


This kid always procrastinates and is perpetually hurrying to finish papers or projects on deadlines. He/she work best 2-3 hrs before a deadline and are known to be b.s.-ing genius's... They always boast they procrastinate but shed years worrying about their papers!!


They have a huge backpack with every book for all their classes in it. A change of clothes, an umbrella and groceries. They are always late yet will choose the seat in the front middle next to the projector maximizing the disruption to the class.


The B.W.even having a 103.2 fever will still attend class, and will spend more time in class coughing, sneezing, wheezing, blowing their nose, and sniffling than they do not making noise. While their dedication to education may be set in stone, it is advised to avoid this person like the plague, even if it means missing class to stay healthy.


This kid is a douche bag! And for arguments sake let’s call him “Junaid” This kid will attempt to befriend you then manage to say or do something so unspeakably rude or offer some backwards compliment. Parties disassemble whenever this Ass hat manages to find his way to one.

THE Fuckin' Noo Yawker aka EMPIRE STATE COCK

A disproportionately large number of Fuckin' Noo Yawkers are criminal justice, law, public administration majors. Actually from Long Island, the Fuckin' Noo Yawker has the uncanny talent of injecting the fact that they're from the NYC area into just about every conversation. They complain about just about every aspect of their college town, saying that it's inferior in some way to NYC. "You can't get a good bagel at 3:00 on a Sunday morning!" "The pizza here sucks!" They'll even take positive traits of their new surroundings and turn that into a negative - "The subway here in Washington is too clean! It's not a real fuckin' subway like in Noo Yawk, with litter, bums, rats, the smell of piss and shit. That's real, not this sanitized Metro rail shit where they won't even let you eat a fucking pastrami on rye!"


Often in groups of two or three they will stretch out in a line and walk slower than an old person with a walker. Also known to hog sidewalks force other students use the grass.


The Suburban Rapper can be found in any common area, listening to his own music on his IPOD at an unreasonable volume. Generally (but not always) white, he awkwardly uses the words Dog, Crib, Homie, Phat, G, or Ill. If he spots you, he'll ask you to "peep this new track yo," or attempt to sell you tickets to his half-assed concert. His music is generally unbearable, and if you're lucky, you can get away with only hearing a few verses. He always seems surprised that his poser antics never land him a girl, or a record deal.


Somewhat related to the man-hating feminist but has plenty more to piss her off than just men. Needs to get involved in every civil rights or ultra liberal campaign that has ever been mentioned on campus. Tries to make a cause out of every problem anybody has with authority, no matter how absurd or completely unfounded the complaint.


Usually in the 28-32 year range, this species refuses to let go of the joys of college. Can be found on campus seven days a week, and is always present at EVERY SINGLE FRAT PARTY. Will give you some lame, shady excuse why he’s still in college, and will then befriend you so he can abuse the T1 connection in your dorm room to download porn. Most often has no friends his own age, is unemployed and still lives with his parents. Because he is older than everyone else, he will constantly criticize everyone for acting like children, but will then throw a tantrum when you won’t let him play a game of HALO. You can recognize him by his weird and outdated taste in clothing and his fondness for 80’s rock music. Usually very loud, obnoxious and opinionated in the classroom, with traits similar to that of THE EXAM BEGGER and THE INTELLECTUAL SUPERHERO.


This person cannot take a test without first begging for as much review or information as possible. They cannot prepare for a test without first knowing seemingly unimportant details like "How many questions are on this test?" They will beg for extra review sessions, extra credit, and to know the exact breakdown of how the test is scored. They will waste the whole class when a test is announced if the professor doesn't shut them up. They will also spend the entire first session of a class, when the syllabus is presented trying to make homework a much higher percentage of the total grade.


Generally starts out being the CONVERTER, straight-laced and conservative; they go to church every week and brag about that fact often. This person even has the ability to recite any and every bible verse from memory. Then THE LUCKY BASTARD or JOHNNY THREE LEGS introduces them to the marvels of SEX,and it's all down hill from there, as they descend into the foul pits of whoredom. They of course will still go to Church every week in order to keep up a facade of piety, singing the glories of baby Jesus.


This kid graduated high school early, but doesn't really make a big deal about it. Because of this, his social skills are somewhat undeveloped, and he is quick to attach himself to social groups in order to gain acceptance. Said social groups are quick to make him the subject of their corruption projects, and take great pleasure in getting him drunk/laid/stoned for the first time.


Sort of the polar opposite of the Hillbilly Gangster, the Amicable Athlete is usually about 6 foot three, weighing in at 225 pounds, and looks like Sam Jackson on steroids. Attending college on a sports scholarship, the Amicable Athlete probably works a cushy job at a car dealership, gets more tail than you can possibly imagine, is more or less constantly high on primo weed all of the time, and is smart enough to know that he's in for an easy ride and to enjoy it and throws great parties! While he might never turn pro, there's a good chance he'll get a good gig on the local AM sports radio station


If this kid is corrected by another student on anything, no matter how wrong they were, and how right the corrector was, his wrath shall be incurred in the most passive-aggressive manner possible: Silently glowering at their new 'nemesis'. No matter if the incident occurred once, months ago, any time you look in this kid's general direction, he will still be fucking staring at you with the hatred of a thousand warlords. Will probably lead the victim of his piercing gaze to do a number of 'Is he still fucking staring at me?' checks.


All of his tie-dyed clothes are made from, like, pure natural hemp, man! He most likely sports an impressive set of dreadlocks and can be easily spotted as he skateboards to his next class. The White Rasta can also be found playing an odd game called 'hackey sack' along with others of his kind in any park-like area, or any place that has a couple of trees nearby, and seem to have an affinity for border collies and other shaggier members of the species canine. They also seem to possess an almost MacGuyver-like ability to create a bong from a combination of nearly any common household objects within a matter of moments.


This guy's gay! You see, he's only just found out and now he's got to make up for lost time. He may have had a healthy interest in sports, or board games - but no more. He tries, for the sake of decorum, to occasionally talk about things that do not directly involve his gayness, but he is unequal to the struggle and five or six minutes down the line, the increasingly one-sided conversation has shifted to his multiple fuck buddies, or one of his alarmingly variegated fetishes. You see, just liking cocks isn't enough - that's not gay enough for the Newly-Ripe Fruit to truly express himself. He must round his sexuality out with public discussion of whips or chains or piss drinking, but more often than not he decides he is a furry as well, and won't let it escape anyone's notice. Possibly does more to set back the cause of tolerance than Fred Phelps ever did.


OMG BUSY! These girls (invariably) are incredibly busy with their nursing school workload. Despite this, they get shit faced constantly with their fellow nursing school students, only to wake up at 5am for their OB rotation. Often incredibly attractive, these girls typically are still attached to the same guy they knew in high school, who they will marry.


His blinds are never open. His light's never on. He lives by the light of his computer. Whenever he goes out, which is very, very rare, he squints and looks frightened, often power walking to class. He uses the internet for his lectures, and never sleeps when you do, so you can't hang out with your friends/girlfriend at your place. He's not nice, but he's not mean. He's clean, but his room's a mess. There's Mountain Dew cans everywhere. He gets average grades, and he's usually a science major, though sometimes a Lit or English major.


This individual (almost always a guy) has been lifting weights since age 4, and never lets you forget about it. He goes to the gym twice a day, wears nothing more covering than a wife beater, and constantly twitches his pecs just to get you to look at his chest. McFlaunty may or may not be otherwise annoying, but it is a known fact that he eats creatine for breakfast, lunch and dinner to increase muscle mass even further; this will result in four different cancers before he is 30. Occasionally, Muscles McFlaunty will have a lisp, in which case, laugh at him.


Misses degree has no real purpose in college except finding "Mr. Degree" majoring in some lucrative field such as computer programming, premed, law, or engineering. Often packed with great looks, a killer body and half a brain Mrs. Degree has no problem being a mere shadow of their wealthy husband and is always the first to brag and attempt to start "intelligent conversation" on the career of Mr. Degree. Always on the prowl, you may find Mrs. Degree befriending such characters as the Study Nazi, FUCKING DISGUSTING C.S. MAJOR, and the CEO Junior.


Avoided by everyone, this person possess a crippling social tic that goes completely unnoticed to him. If you're unlucky enough to be identified by social disorder guy in public, you will be followed regardless of how much of a hurry you pretend to be in. You will be forced, due to social etiquette, to engage in a meaningless and awkward conversation that will be filled with characterizations of your self image. Social Disorder Guy is completely comfortable stopping on his way to work for fifteen minutes or half an hour to fill you in on one of two things: either his roommate is moving out again or he has a new job. You have no classes with him, and you never see him except for random times during the day around your campus, yet he considers you one of his best friends. You probably are.


This person gets it! They understand the material. They can answer the hard questions that require logical induction and they can form arguments using the material.
Unfortunately, everyone else in the class is either the Quiet, Smart Slacker or The Frat Mattress or I'm Too Important to Be Here. The professor lectures and asks a question and no one will answer. Grated by the awkward silence, The Answer Machine finally answers.

The floodgates open. From the rest of the semester onwards, the class is a dialogs between The Answer Machine and the professor interspersed with infrequent, sometimes mind-numbing comments from The Frat Mattress when she's called on and the slacker when they care. But for the most part, it's The Answer Machine. Even when they don't answer, the professor will call on them regardless of whether or not their hand is raised.


This guy seems pretty intelligent and contributes with a vast amount of knowledge. Unfortunately he has got no grasp of volume at all. Will scream across the room with a content smile on his face while embarrassing the people around him. When conversing with The Megaphone you can't decide if he is constantly pulling your leg or just doesn't realize what the hell he is telling you. Does never know when to shut up but magically manages to never piss anyone seriously off.


The provider tends to be everyone's best friend when they need something from him. Of his various requests, he spends the majority of his time lofting and unlofting bunks, or fixing people's computers. When he is not doing this, the provider is somehow nowhere to be found. For extra fun, combine THE PROVIDER with the FOREIGN SILENT CURVE DESTROYER


Often seen traversing campus in fatigues, yet his pack is devoid of water, map, GPS, or other survival gear. Instead, he packs the same Biology 101, Spanish II, and English Rhetoric texts that you do. Known to major in Criminology or Criminal Justice, and may show up to 8 a.m. class in PT gear, not having had time to make it home for a shower and shave after his morning run. Placed by God on Earth to counter the ramblings of Passionate Politico with physical threats (if PP is a male) or ramblings of his own stripping PP of her human/constitutional rights (if PP is a female). Very loyal to his friends and beliefs, Mr. ROTC Cadet is generally a good guy to have as a friend, or at least an amiable acquaintance.


This guy uses his job as an excuse not to show up and help with group projects. He will claim that he must work all the time and therefore cannot show up for any of the group meetings. Impossible to get hold of outside of class. Generally a 50/50 shot of doing the work.


One of the more rare species outside of Music Classes, Practice Rooms, and University Symphony Concerts. The MM spends 50% of their time practicing, 25% studying hard/semi-useless classes which require an A to get accepted to their low-paying major, 25% at band practices, and 25% with their music Fraternity/ that 125%? Doesn't matter; MMs party so much that the high alcohol content in their bloodstream causes them to black out and loose that 25%. Tends to only date other music majors because "Only another MM can understand why they have to practice 3-4 hours a day". Depending on the instrument, music majors are laid back, but complain that they are working SOOO hard to eventually get a salary of <$35K a year but that "I love music SOOO much it doesn't matter". Usually makes fun of the Drama Nerd for not being "Real Musicians" and has enough Classical CD's to fill up


The Facebook Addict often makes references to who changed/added what, and who "its complicated" with who. Most of their sentences begin with "omg did u see _______ on his/her wall?" and end with "Tag it!" They check facebook every chance they get, only to get pissed when they dont have a new wall post from when they last checked it 18 seconds ago. They are amazed by those who mini-feed say they have "no recent activity" and how they have such self control. The FACEBOOK ADDICT often joins many groups and is only moments away from becoming the FACEBOOK ZOMBIE.


The S.A.M. totes around a humongous portfolios (often containing works of art only other S.A.M.'s can appreciate) manages to whack near passersby's and destroy other objects in their path. The studio major whine's about spending all their money on ridiculously expensive studio supplies, yet they have enough for a regular know, for the stress. Unfortunately, studio courses are inhumanely time-consuming, so the S.A.M. are almost always held up in the studio labs, yet the degree is absolutely worthless, thus resulting in a downward mental spiraling of the said major students. You could spot them easily by their odd sense of "fashion", consisting of articles such as striped socks, ripped jeans and unsightly hairstyles. The best way to test if an individual is a studio arts major is to ask him/her to help you count, as most can't do math to save their lives.


Intellectual Superhero is neither an intellectual nor a superhero, but don’t tell him that! The Intellectual Superhero is easily identified by his complete inability to allow a class period to pass by without asking at least 654 questions designed to show how "witty" and "clever" he is. He will attempt to prove the professor wrong in every class with his inane bullshit, regardless of the fact that the professor has a doctorate in the field. If it’s a science course, the Intellectual Superhero will attempt to solve every problem using an alternate method, which is always incorrect. But don’t worry; he’ll still manage to waste 20 minutes of your life with his insane method of solving the problem. At least you’ll get to laugh at him when the professor proves him wrong.


This person comes to class every single time, yet spends 100% of class time on their laptop. They believe that if one comes to class, one will somehow absorb the material telepathically from the professor. They usually are on Face book, Forums (Many are Goons) Some sort of RPG, Solitaire, you name it. The important thing, though, is that they are not paying attention to class at all, Ever. They tend to hover in the back, and have ultra quick minimizing reflexes if a lone TA should wander back there.


Comes from a multi-ethnic back ground, and will constantly bring this up. They will write articles in the school paper about how delightfully confused they are about not knowing which ethnic stereotypes to conform to.


Usually an unattractive guy who thinks he is a stud and acts like he is hung like a porn star. Thinks he can charm and seduce any woman by lecherously rubbing her back and give back massages while trying to undo her bra. Always touching up girls even if they give the message they are not interested, even in front of their boyfriend. But thats cool, he has a black belt in Karate so will be ready to fight off any pissed boyfriends. Carries a pair of handcuffs with him and loves to put girls through bondage in the pub even if they don't want it.


It might be an on-campus coffee shop or one right near campus, but either way they're there. Always. The group can get quite large, but there's a core of about four people. Usually this core consists of: a fat, annoying girl; a gay guy; a theater major (male or female); and an older guy, either a grad student/limpet or a townie. This core group will invariably occupy the coffee shop's only couch; if there are more than one, they will occupy the best couch. No matter where you are in the coffee shop, you will hear them laughing, shouting, calling one another hot, singing along with the song playing on the stereo ("omigod i luv this song!!"), and erupting into a chorus of "BYEEEE's" whenever one of the group finally decides to leave.


The 45 Year Old College Student with Two Kids is one of the more interesting persona's found in the college classroom. This subject has returned to school in an attempt to better her life, which is a great endeavor. However, there are a few things about this person that will make you want to punch her in the face by the end of the semester. The 45-year-old college student with two kids must write down every word the professor says. This will cause the class to be peppered with calls of "can you repeat that" approximately every 0.23 seconds. Second, she must ask the most obvious questions, preferably ones the professor has already answered.


Comprised mainly of Freshman, these two are fresh out of high school, and are gonna be in love forever. They take all the same classes together, they've got their first apartment together, and they're inseparable. Most of the time, one of the two had the chance to a scholarship at a better school, but turned it down in the name of love. They'll sit together in class, are always the first to volunteer for group work together, and will no doubt be broken up by the end of their first year.


Staying up long after you've gone to bed, a Night Owl roommate may periodically awaken you with a laughing fit after reading a Chuck Norris joke on some crappy forum or heating water in the microwave for a 3 AM cup of ramen. May be seen complaining about the lack of places open in town at 1 in the morning on Tuesday night. The Night Owl is also likely to skip morning classes.


This person doesn't have "mad skills"; Instead, there is no word in the English language that properly describes how good this fucker is with a plasma rifle or pistol. They look rather ordinary, with no unusual physical features, nor obvious personality quirks. But give em' an Xbox, and a copy of Halo, and prepare to have many recurring nightmares of what you're about to see. They quite literally can chuck a grenade at a difficult-to-reach weapon, and the explosion will launch the said weapon straight at em', as if they was pulling it telekineticaly. They knows the location of every item on every map, and knows exactly when that item is gonna respawn.


Stupid Ugly Fat Girl feels the need to enter into every single class discussion, completely disregarding the fact that she has nothing of substance to add to the conversation. Stupid Ugly Fat Girl cannot construct a sentence without using the words "like" and "um" at least 12 times for every 2 other words. She always wears clothes that are too tight, and seems partial to gaudy rhinestone shirts with incredibly original phrases such as "Princess" strewn across the front of her sagging cow tits. The only way to actually learn something in a class with the Stupid Ugly Fat Girl is to distract her attention with a shiny object.


This student will make it a point to one-up anything that comes out of anyone’s mouth. You study for a test for 6 hours? He studied for 10. You drank 12 beers? He drank 20. You've broken your arm twice? He's broken his 3 times. The interesting thing to note about the One-Upper is the fact that everything he says is a lie, but he has convinced himself its true.


Hails from some microscopic town where she maybe had 5 or 6 classmates in her graduating class, the Small Town Goddess is what is known as HOT. SMOKING HOT, in fact. Like, all-natural, blonde haired and blue-eyed 1973-ish Playboy bunny-like hotness. However, for some reason unknown to science, she somehow did not develop what is commonly known as 'Hot Chick Syndrome' and is, instead, incredibly sweet, good natured and friendly to a fault. This, naturally, causes most members of the opposite sex to be baffled by this seemingly incongruous behavior. Many a man have approached her, yet few can stand to be around her for very long. Why, you ask? The fault lies not with her, oh dear reader! Nay, the fault comes from realizing that she is honestly squeaky clean and you, by comparison, are like some filthy hobo in your soul.


While there’s certainly nothing wrong with being in a Greek organization, some people take their involvement in these groups a little too seriously. These are the people who can’t go 2 consecutive days without wearing their shirts from some drinking party they went to last weekend. Johnny Frat Boy likes to brag about how many beers he slammed down on Tuesday night, while Sally Sorority Chick acts as though she is too immaculate to be tarnished by your presence. In either case you shouldn’t worry about these two personality types too much because they only associate with each other. This brings me to another point: when you see these people outside of class, it is perfectly acceptable to run them over with your motor vehicle of choice.


Study Nazi is in school for one reason: to get good grades. Unfortunately for Study Nazi, he’s not that bright and he struggles with his classes. That doesn’t stop him from letting everyone know how long he studied for that 5 question quiz though. Study Nazi, much like the Intellectual Superhero, will ask questions constantly during class. However, the Intellectual Superhero has some grasp of the material. Study Nazi, while he can quote his books and his notes verbatim, has no idea what any of it means. Under no circumstances should you approach Study Nazi outside of class. Doing so will only remind him that he’s losing valuable time that he could be using in the library and you might get hurt in his frenzied dash to get there as quickly as possible.


Possessing the incredible ability of knowing the lyrics to every song ever written, but unfortunately lacking the talent to flaunt it properly, the Karaoke Superstar molds every moment of their life into that of an American Idol reject. Whether it be wailing along to their favorite Nickelback song at the bar, or belting out Phil Collins in the dorm shower at 8 in the morning, the Karaoke Superstar fails to hit the right notes every time. Those in earshot will reel in horror at the audio assault, exclaiming "Oh my God, a cat fell into the blender!" or "It sounds like someone is scraping a cheese grater across 200 feet of blackboard!" The Karaoke Superstar falls under the category of "completely ignorant," believing their vocal stylings to be those of a professional. Frequently an actual Music major, mentioning their shortcomings will result in a major blow to their ego.


An amorphous presence, he is in your class just to make you feel crappy. He doesn't try, isn't smart, and may even be a mean SOB to people, yet gets lucky breaks in grades/finding a job/getting a girl. For instance he bombs a test but the professor loses it and acknowledges he took the test and gets the class average, or finds an emotionally unstable girl who clings to him and does anything he wants regardless of how he treats her. He also will get a job because of a crappy reason like him and the recruiter like the same baseball player.


They're a fairly sociable bunch with lots of common sense, and they have fairly diversified skills. These guys seldom try to draw attention to themselves but also have a healthy amount of self-esteem (Balanced Guys generally don't attack/insult people in any way unless they feel it's warranted). They're willing to learn a little about everything and can be found in places such as the gym lifting weights, or even in a kitchen working on their cooking skills... or....sometimes in their room masturbating to a wide variety of downloaded porn clips. Who knows what Balanced Guy will do next. They aren't spendthrifts, but they aren't penny pinchers, either. They play both sports and video games. When it comes to discussions of any sort, balanced guy keeps an open mind and generally takes a politically "moderate" stance.


Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer has nothing better to do than study. While the average of the rest of the class is a respectable 45%, Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer has approximately a 1351% in the course, thereby totally destroying any chance you had of passing the class. Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer can be identified by the fact that he will be in the library before you get there and stay far after you've left. He will almost certainly wear the same clothing throughout the entire course, and, while he may be human, it's more likely that he's some kind of magic robot.


The Cellphone Terrorist has the capability to disrupt classes without even being present. They will leave their belongings in class as they go for a bathroom break when, suddenly, the sound of "My Humps" fills the room. Yes, that's The Cellphone Terrorists new ring tone for this week and it isn't going to stop until they return. Those unfortunate enough to be sitting beside The Cellphone Terrorist will hang their head in shame as piercing gazes are shot directly their way.

Upon return, The Cellphone Terrorist will usually check their missed calls and proceed to call said person back by means of a covert coat-over-the-head technique that they have perfected.


Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major is the reason that you don’t want to go to class. He bathes roughly once every leap year and wears the same "totally awesome" Japanese video game (the import version was so much better) shirt for half a semester at a time. No matter how far away you get from him, the stench seems to travel across the room and assault your nostrils. Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major has no time for the English language, and he will often ask questions that make little to no sense and lack any sort of "grammatical structure." He’s the only character that can actually give Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer a run for his money on the intellectual scale, but that’s only because he was probably born with knowledge of linear algebra and differential equations.


The Agenda Assailer has (surprise!) an agenda to push on everyone else. If you’re in, say, a science class you’ll get to hear about how the scientist who discovered some principle was a racist or misogynist and therefore his scholarly work is somehow meaningless. Even though the rest of the class is just there to learn, the Agenda Assailer will attempt to turn every class into a political debate. Here’s an example from a history class:
Professor: Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.
AA: How can you even SAY that?!?!?!?! He owned slaves!!!
Professor: Well, yes. But he still wrote it.
AA: Well then he’s a hypocrite and we should THROW OUT the Declaration of Independence!!!


He's the only one in your class, sometimes he makes sure that everyone knows it. Most of the time he's pretty cool tough, you just need to get to know them better. Excels at making you feel bad about random comment you make on his people.


Anime Freak is somewhat of a rarity outside of computer science and/or Japanese courses. However, you still might encounter one in some humanities cores. The Anime Freak will always be wearing button down shirts with a dragon or some kind of Dragonball Z character on it. Also, anything with Japanese writing on it is always cool in the eyes of Anime Freak, even if it makes absolutely no sense. Do not approach the Anime Freak outside of class, unless you want to run into a situation like this:
You: Hey, what’s up?
AF: I think episode 185 of [insert horribly obscure anime show here] is the best because they use the Power of the Light to slay the dragon beast and save the world from total destruction!!!
You: Um… I have to go.


One who is rarely seen without a TI-83 Plus or higher model calculator, and actually knows how to, and does, use all the functions of said calculator. Often makes jokes that one outside of the Engineering spectrum will not understand, or makes really horrible ones, or both. Example: "I'm pretty sure it was a zero-force member..." "that's what she said." Takes many science/math courses that are said to "strongly relate to core Engineering" and "provide a base for higher level courses" but in reality 99% of skills in said classes are rarely used.


Major Elitist is generally some type of science or engineering major who looks down on anyone who might even think about getting a humanities or business degree. After all, we all know that the only thing that’s important is science. All that other mamby-pansy bullshit like "History" or "English" or "the world economy" is just a bunch of feel-good rhetorical nonsense anyway. Besides, any jackass can get a liberal arts degree!


The Non-Conformist Conformist is an interesting species. While he tries to "fight the man," he is unable to do so without conforming to another group. The Non-Conformist Conformist can be easily identified by his Rage Against the Machine or Che Guevara t-shirt and dark green corduroy pants. During the winter he will be wearing a military field coat from Germany with a patch on the side, and he often carries a wallet on a chain. You can identify him in the classroom because he’ll feel the need to share with the class his opinions of pop culture. He’ll use a condescending tone of voice because he’s better than little sheep like you. That’s all right though because whether it be the punk, goth, or any other subculture, the Non-Conformist Conformist declares boldly, "I choose to not fit in by fitting in with a DIFFERENT group!"


Fashion Monger is on the bleeding edge of fashion! While having some nice clothes is something everyone should invest in, Fashion Monger’s entire wardrobe has been purchased from stores so hip that you've never even heard of them. Apparently, it’s "hip" and "with it" to pay 500 dollars for jeans that were hand stitched by the hardworking people of Taiwan. And, as we all know, 50 dollars for a silk-screened t-shirt is a completely reasonable price, as long as it was designed by an gay Italian man. Yes, nothing says, "I have too much money and not enough common sense" quite like buying clothes with fancy designer labels that are marked up 1000%


This is the guy who went out of his way to talk to you on the first day. Was really personable, seems like a normal, social person. He even suggested trading phone numbers just in case you needed help. Fast forward to the second week of class - he's not there. Same goes for all the classes until right before the midterm when you get a call. "Hey man, what's up? How's it going? Oh yeah, I missed the last class can I borrow all your notes and photocopy them? Yeah, we should go grab a beer one day." No show again until the final where he calls you up again asking for notes. And that beer? A complete fabrication.


Smart, sheltered kid with a childhood full of religious superstition and intimacy issues. Finally gets into a relationship (aka LAID) and gets suicidal when the breakup comes a few months later. Will either hang himself in the woods or emerge as an improved species. Flip a coin.


Born to wealth and privilege and toting an ego the size of Australia, CEO Jr. III will rarely be encountered outside of econ, business and business-related courses (like the lower level computer sciences). Much like the Fashion Monger, CJ3 is fascinated by brand names and drops them wherever possible. However, instead of dropping "real" designer names, he'll brag about the cheap shit he bought from Abercrombie last week. Success is what he's aiming for, and he'll probably get there, but only through his dad’s business connections. Like the Study Nazi, he is not particularly bright, though his particular mode of achieving good grades consists of stroking the professor's ego with appropriate questions and office hours schmoozing. Like the Sociable Slacker he is unfailingly cheerful, but his cheeriness, much like everything else about him, is completely insincere. He is astoundingly successful at getting laid for reasons which are at present unknown to science. It's probably best to avoid crossing him in social circumstances since he can wield his people skills like a weapon.


The skimmer is easy to identify. He always sits in the back of lecture halls and is usually asleep 10 minutes into class. It is not uncommon to hear The Skimmer brag about how much studying he didn't do for that quiz coming up. The Skimmer is not usually found in higher level courses.


The Scout is always in lecture before you. Even if you show up five minutes early. The Scout will use his backpack, notebook, textbook, or anything larger than a piece of paper to cordon off the entire front row for his or her friends, who show up five minutes after the class has already started.


A completely unremarkable student in every way, THE PHANTOM shows up for classes, does the work, and... that's it. You will never see THE PHANTOM outside of class - Existing on his sheepishness and fueled by his silence, even if you live next door to THE PHANTOM you'll never hear a word of him, sometimes can be combined with Fucking Disgusting Computer Science Major for a truly wholesome experience.


"Well, when I was in Iraq ..."
And basically media misrepresentation is the cause of virtually everything bad in society these days.


Women who appear to be made entirely from bronzed plastic, with lips glossy enough to successfully buff the floor of a shopping mall. Don't bother remembering any of their names, as one valley girl is completely indiscernible from the next. Often seen courting Ugly Assholes.


Usually an average-looking, somewhat lanky guy, Johnny Three Legs is extraordinary on one respect: his ten inch penis. Flaccid. How do you know? Well, he's the guy that faces towards everyone else in communal showers. In dorms with individual showers, he dries himself off in public areas, and spends just a bit more time naked than other residents, who usually whip on a towel before they even draw the curtains open. Pity his poor roommate, usually a lonely computer science major that is still a virgin, who is kept up awake at nights from the cries of Johnny Three leg's dates - "Ouch! That hurts! Ungggnmph! Oh yeah ... yes ... God ... OUCH! Let's try it another way .... yes ... oh God ... oh Jesus ... OUCH!"


This student's life revolves around sports. He can quote sports scores, character stats, and just about anything from some obscure game last week. Not only did he watch it, he studied it while his classmates were studying for that quiz he failed. He usually arrives in class approximately 10 minutes late wearing his favorite sports team hat and jacket, only to talk about sports for the entire class. Interestingly, the Madden Jr. rarely, if ever, has any athletic ability of his own, and is often obese due to a diet consisting entirely of nachos.


The pre-med has a 4.0 cumulative GPA and has junior standing even though he's a first semester sophomore. He's got a >90 average in every class this semester, but is absolutely terrified that he's going to fail them all. Can often be heard making wild assumptions about grading schemes and arguing with the TA over 0.25 point deductions on exams.


He is always there to help. Whatever jam you have yourself in, he will, with ease, find a way to pull you out. However, he will do so with so much reluctance, he makes it sound as though Sisyphus (look it up) had an easy go of things. He will passive aggressively start conversations about what a drag it is being the designated driver, only days after he drove your drunk ass home.

He is the infinite conundrum of friendship. He is always there for you. Unfortunately he is always there.


This kid is sort of like intellectual superhero except that he's not really out to prove a point through questions, but rather through his personal experiences. He is in class to spill as many anecdotes as he can possibly think of, which, for the most part, only relate to the subject at hand tangentially. His diatribes are voiced in an overly sincere tone, which I'm sure he believes makes his stories sound more real, true to life, and hard hitting. Amazingly, his stories always tend to agree with the professor's point of view.


They can be found in groups often discussing old internet fads while downloading songs and files from P2P networks. Often annoying to the people around them. Will shout out "LOL INTERNETS" at random times and you can hear some old techno songs in the background.


Tends to occupy the center of the room for maximum visibility. Always nods along with the professor. Provides his/her own commentary, largely to herself, during lecture while jotting down notes. Most commonly uttered phrases are variations of: "Oh yeah", "Exactly", "Well, that's interesting".

Prof.: DNA is blueprint for life.
Comm.: [Nod] [Nod] Uh-huh. Well, ain't that something


This guy didn't want to go to college in the first place, but did because he didn't want to disappoint his parents and teachers by not trying. So he picked a party school, never went to class, and treated the whole thing as a $40,000, year long, spring break away from shitty middle class suburbia. Then disappeared to a distant part of the country never to be heard from again.


Female in a science degree who probably shouldn't be. However, due to chemicals she emits from her hair, holds sway over Silent Foreign Curve Destroyer or other male Asian students who do her beck and call. Part hive mind, part parasite. Identify by remarks like "This stuff is so hard, Haji, you're so smart" or "What did you get for number 1?". Usually a sub-species of Sally Sorority Chick


Whatever wing of the political bird he resides within he'll be damned sure to inject his angry rhetoric and sound bites into any classroom conversation regardless of topic. Often twitchy you can spot an outburst before it happens by looking for a grimaced mouth, spasming eye, tapping foot or softly pounding fist (because he thinks no one will notice), then out comes the insanity.


Mr. Uncertainty isn't really that bad a guy to have class with, as he's virtually guaranteed never to disrupt the class proceedings. Even when the teacher asks him a question directly, he'll attempt to deflect it through a magical combination of stuttering, fumbling, and vague sentences that trail off in the middle. He probably doesn't take very good notes, but he's there every day in hopes of making up for the fact. He probably has at least two majors and a third concentration that he's considering, but it's all perpetually up in the air since he doesn't really know what he wants to do. Because of this, you'll almost never see him in an advanced-level class, since he's always going back and satisfying the core requirements for a different major.


This student loves to volunteer class time to correct the professors' menial mistakes. Did he say 90% instead of 85%? Was he off an important date by a year? The Corrector will grab this opportunity immediately. Does the textbook back up the professor? Well that's wrong too! The whole world is filled with misinformation, and only this noble lad can spend 20 minutes setting the professor straight as everyone silently whispers "I HATE YOU." They may be a student, but they already years ahead of the class.


Pulling out of the parking deck at the speed limit while letting pedestrians cross will not fly while the OCD is around. Loud tire screeching, revving, horn honking, and blasted music must be accompanied at even the slowest street. They will outrace and outmaneuver vans in 20 mph zones. They will rev their engine to make sure they reach the stop sign 20 feet away fast enough. Their car is modified to maximize every scrape, screech and scratch to its highest volumes. If it's not unnecessarily loud, they are not driving.


Often found roaming (or more often loafing) in packs of 4 to 7, the drama nerd is best known for not shutting the fuck up ever and oh god i mean ever regarding new musicals, old musicals, how non-theater majors are intellectually devoid of any redeeming quality, who got cast where, etc. The drama nerd is mostly self-delusional, and if one is to ask it about it's past, the response often involves "well you know I just had the WORST time in high school i mean nobody understood me there but when I got to college I just felt like a BUTTERFLY, able to finally open my creative WINGS" and other such inane metaphors. The Drama nerd does, somehow, get laid all the goddamn time, but only by other Drama nerds, resulting in chain-reaction mega-drama-bombs that will certainly resonate throughout the school because these losers will not shut up about how Johnny Actor face "TOTALLY USED ME" at high volumes in the library during finals week. Somehow possessing both the largest and smallest reserve of self-confidence of any college student simultaneously, ladies and gentlemen: the Drama Nerd.


You'll find this one at the back of the class, and they tend to travel in herds. She spends all semester having conversations with the people around her, that have absolutely nothing to do with the class, usually pertaining to her boyfriend, a movie she just saw, or a party she was at/plans to attend. Completely ignorant of the people around her who are actually trying to pay attention to the lecture in a typically difficult subject. Another common trait of The Conversationalist is her apparent lack of any sort of school supplies (including pens, pencils, paper, and the freaking textbook) Sociologists have theorized that this is a subconscious ploy designed to draw more people into The Conversationalist's tangled web of distraction.


This is a student who has become very involved and uses his major as a replacement for a social life. He may, or may not work in the department office, but you'll see him wandering around the office anyway, chatting up the actual faculty. Maybe having lunch in the waiting area. He's only annoying when you actually have a class with him and he takes on the role of a teaching assistant.


This man is seemingly adept in all subjects, and will boast about it too. Hear him complain about how easy his last Abstract Algebra exam was, how he wrote his African paper two hours before its due and how little he prepared for his sociology presentation. His weakness is poor social skills. Ask about his girlfriend for massive emotional baggage!


Easily identifiable by his red eyes, incoherent speech, and the lingering stench of marijuana, the philosopher stoner may or may not be a member of NORML, and probably won't go to class very often. On the off chance that he actually attends a class, god forbid the professor mention anything related to drugs, because suddenly the philosopher stoner will turn into a walking, talking version of


This girl is much too busy to do something as menial as class. She's in a sorority, she's in the student senate and she's got a boyfriend on the lacrosse team. She treats class like it's a bother- much like a PTA meeting. During the entire class period, her blistered thumbs are hammering at the tiny keys on her super expensive new cell phone that Daddy's bought her three times because she keeps wearing it out. Whenever the professor asks her to stop her hammering, her face curls up worse than Reese Witherspoon's after eating out an asshole.


Normally, she's quiet. She's so quiet she'll duck down when the professor looks to ask questions. The second she's called on to give a speech, her entire body tenses up. Very rarely will a word escape her mouth that's not "Uhhh" or "Like". She's known for freezing up for periods of greater than one minute during in-class presentations, much to everyone else's amusement.


This is the kid, usually a male, who sits in the back of the class and will constantly spout out smart ass remarks at the professor in an attempt to act like he really doesn't really care for the class and thinks he is super cool cause he can be so disrespectful in class. But this guy is important cause when the class starts dragging and getting boring, he can usually lighten the mood. Annoying and funny at the same time.


The redneck managed to get into the college because he went to a backwoods school composed entirely of trailers in a swamp, where 4.0 gpa's are a dime a dozen, and anyone can pass the classes practically by attending. Unfortunately, he is probably going to fail multiple classes in a semester and drop out soon. Unattractive, disgusting hygiene, has a taste for inferior websites, loves to hunt, sometimes wears camouflage to class, attends every athletic event, and likes to "Git-R-Dun" occasionally. Nothing more than a friendly nuisance on his own, he is a very dangerous animal in the company of others exactly the same.


This person has spent anywhere from 3-12 months in a country that isn't too different from our own, but it's sooo much better. It's so cultured and you can drink without having the draconian American laws over your back. Most of this student's stories involve getting drunk and hooking up with a creepy older gentleman or passing out on the couch interspersed with some sightseeing. But it changed her life, like OMG i totally know how people in other countries live and I'll keep talking and talking and talking about it.


Normally found in one of the back rows but not the very back as he is trying to blend in. Doesn't say much in class, only being social when he has to or with people he knows outside of class. Won't disrupt class but if called on will answer correctly. Pays attention, but doesn't always do work, or work hard. Shows up to class 80% of the time, but does 40% of the outside work/study time. Graduates in 5-6 years with a 3.0 but only because of intelligence and test scores, not effort (as shown in number of years taken to graduate).


This is a person you meet in the class that you share the same interests and hobbies. At first you enjoy talking and hanging out with them, but then all they do is constantly talk about the same interests and never want to talk about anything else, and every day they want to hang out after class and do something related to the point it drives you insane. In the end you end up hating both the person, and what you enjoyed.


This guy or gal is a shining beacon of their Religion, and will attempt to bring it to light every chance they get, and attempt to get you to believe in whatever it is they believe. Anytime your classes mention faith, she is the first to preach to the entire class, and say that her deity is what everyone needs to follow


Exact opposite of The Converter, this person hates all forms of Religion and despises God. Used to be devoted to a faith, but lost his or her faith through some event in the past, such as a major physical/psychological trauma. This person loves to quote John Milton, and argue with others who believe in God.


Cannot use a computer or any technology to save their life. This person will rely on you to help them type up reports, assignments, or use excel/power point/access for projects. Will also become dazzled if they see you playing any kind of video game or watching a DVD in your dorm, and will want to learn more about it.


The guy/girl who's too cool for romance, and has to insult every couple that passes their way. Whether staring, snickering, or outright making an idiotic comment, the love-hater somehow tries to be "different" by not looking for an opportunity to pass on their genes. Needless to say, these types are usually at home practicing their five-knuckle shuffle.


These people are ninjas in disguise, often lurking amongst the normal people. They seem nice at first, but when they come to the part of the discussion of majors, the inevitable question of "What are you going to do with that?" comes up. Usually in a patronizing tone, they also carry shiruken... too bad that the weapons are so far up their a$$es that they can't utilize them.


The chubby idiot in the back of the classes, busy bragging about the amazing three pointer he pulled in a game with the boys. However, if studied in its natural habitat, the Wanna-be Jock can be seen getting the only sports exposure from a video game console. NOTE: If encountering one of these during its ritualistic video gaming, beware of celebrations. They often involve screaming and waving when they get an extra point on Madden NFL.


Found in most of the female population in college settings, the Ying-Yangers are those who, if approached by someone athletic, will swoon and bend to their every whim. However, if approached by someone of the least bit imperfection, the Ying-Yanger will sneer in disgust... if providing a reaction at all.


Black trench coat. Few words. Odd knowledge about weapons. And somehow, he always seems to sit next to you in class.


The apathetic genius is the pinnacle of wasted potential. He shows up to most of his classes, and is minorly sociable. He is involved in class discussions but will never write a single page of notes, never does any extra credit or optional assignments, and never even reads the textbook or studies. Despite this he will consistently get A's and B's in every class he takes, all while exerting no apparent effort. This person probably has the ability to cure cancer some day, but years of being unchallenged and socially shunned will lead him to drop out after his first or second year.


Everywhere you go, this guy knows somebody he has to high five and chat with for a little bit. He probably grew up in the area, has an outgoing personality, and is involved in a wide variety of activities that breach many social circles. Generally liked, although he may be too outgoing for some people. Generally doesn't have a lot of close friends, but makes up for it in sheer volume. This is the guy to talk to if you're interested in a new hobby, want to join a club, or just want to meet new people. May do incredibly outrageous things to get even more attention.


The R.A. lives to fuck up your social life. Lurking behind every dark shadow; The R.A. springs to action and stomps out any signs of fun, ranging from a friendly game of Bingo to a raging smorgasbord orgy. This guy, often hated by many feels because he is getting free housing owes it to his said college to annoy all with his passive –aggressive confrontational vendetta against all on campus students. All that is missing is a whistle, and a safety badge. Often useless, The R.A. does come in handy when the PHILOSOPHER STONER, JOHNNY FRAT BOY - or - SALLY SORORITY CHICK locks themselves out at 4am.


This RA just says hi and bye to residents. Decorates the bulletin board and complete the minimal number of required programs. This R.A. is cool as shit, but makes it clear they are only here for the free housing.


Usually found in Women's Studies or English classes. They find enjoyment in discussing how the standard of beauty is too high and how the opposite sex has taken over the world. They also tend to wear clothing that shows off cleavage in order to show that they are comfortable with their bodies. They tend to be loud in class discussions and easily annoyed by male classmates. Almost every conversation turns into a discussion of how men are degrading women.


This individual is a Freshman, who managed to get placed into upper level courses. Because of this, he will establish a heightened feeling of self-worth, and will consider himself to be a worthy equal to the majors in said department. Will bring up the fact that they are a FRESHMAN at every opportunity, and will become confounded when the upperclassmen in the same major aren't fawning over him or trying to suck his cock out of amazement at how awesome he must be, because he's taking upper level classes, but he's merely a FRESHMAN. If it is a language course, they will try to chat in that language, regardless of the fact that you won't understand what-the-fuck. Not because they're better than you, but in their pretentious righteousness, they don't realize they completely suck at it.


This girl is rather shy, quite studious, probably pretty conservative, and usually somewhat attractive in a sort of clean, traditional, classic way. Sometimes, her quietness or straight face may be misinterpreted as indifference or the "get away from me" look, but once you get to know her, she is actually quite nice and makes a decent friend. She doesn't drink or smoke - not because she's a "goody two-shoes", but because she genuinely has no desire to. Gets along with most people, has a decent social circle, but holds just a few close friends. May need a little push to get involved in activities. Makes a reliable friend. Is a hard worker, but can enjoy having fun too.


Usually listens to "emo" music and wears nothing but skate brands, sagging jeans with a belt and t-shirt (sometimes a hoodie and a beanie). The skater is rarely seen without skateboard in hand. He is not particularly bright, nor does he say much. These types when not skateboarding through campus by themselves travel in packs.


This type pretends to know everything about a few subjects and will attempt to impress you with their extensive knowledge on said subject. Often times someone who actually knows what they are talking about will correct the wannabe, however the wannabe will argue his or her side until someone presents them with hard evidence that they were actually wrong. The wannabe will change their personality according to who they are with. No one knows what the wannabe is actually like because he/she is always changing.


The indie kid is the guy/girl who wears nothing but vintage cloths purchase from thrift stores and listens to music by bands that nobody has ever heard of. Indie kids stick together, always involved in some sort of "intellectual" conversation about a worldly event (past or present) that everybody is not talking about. Often times the indie kid will go out of his or her way to mention something obscure to give themselves "indie cred".


As a freshman, the education major parties excessively, because he or she knows in subsequent years, they won't be able to have any more late nights out due to having to go to field experience at a local school. The education major finds themselves wishing they could sign up for an 8 AM class because it feels like sleeping in when he or she compares it to waking up for field or student teaching at 5:30 in the morning.


Usually a freshman who is currently engaged. You often ask yourself how long will it last?, Why will anyone mary him/her?, when will he/she know that it may have been a bit too early?(After the divorce of course :D). Often talks about how he/she will be married soon, and relates alot of the projects he/she has done to marriage. Will need a therapist in the future if it all goes wrong.


Typically a girl and a Freshman. Spends most of her time stereotyping hallmates, classmates, and other acquaintances based on what cliques they would have belonged to in her high school. Her favorite hobby is badmouthing these people because 'in HIGH SCHOOL' she would never have associated with them. She also enjoys critiquing and complaining about every aspect of college which is 'different' from her high school experience.


This person has a very strong opinion about EVERYTHING and will force it down the throat of EVERY PERSON that opposes them. This is made intolerable by the fact that the "i'm right you're wrong’s" opinions aren't backed up very well or are announced in a very ridiculous and obnoxious manner. This people abuse terms like "liberal, democrat, hippie, freak, tree hugger, terrorist, right-wing, extremist, etc." Very often the opinion is somewhat one sided


This person, smokes, drinks, has other bad habits and can quit whenever they want. When asked to quit they always respond I would but i don't wanna.


A mixture of the music major and the american idol reject, this person you can hear down the hall singing La vie Boheme off key and way out of their register. These poor souls actually believe that their major is going to be lucrative one day and let them have something to boast about at their 10 year reunion. They tend to visit their old high school choir and still wear their old letterman that has all the patches from solo and ensemble contests since freshman year. They generally rank themselves as more accepting than the drama nerds but in the end will only talk to each other because "they understand each other."


This kid will confuse the HELL out of you from day to day. One day, she's THE ANSWERING MACHINE, next the QUIET SMART SLACKER. She used to be a MUSIC MAJOR, but she randomly changes to a hard science major. She will always be to class early (THE SCOUT) unless she was THE NIGHT OWL the night before. Wears totally amazing clothes, or something so lame you wouldn't wear to sleep in. Hates the conformity of society with a passion (NON-CONFORMIST CONFORMIST), but can be seen with many different groups, more often with the ANIME FREAKS. You often can't recognize them at parties or class because of complete transformations. Good luck trying to contact her, because her spontaneity with throw you for a loop and you will never be able to find her.


Jhtbafhdffasg is usually the happiest person on campus. she doesn't take parties for granted. if there are five parties going on simultaneously, she's somehow having the time of her life at all five. she won't disrupt class with any senseless questions, although it may take some time to get used to her everlasting smile. she makes an awesome friend, always optimistic until winter break rolls around and you have to drag her out of her dorm kicking and screaming.


Usually male, and often a variant of the creepy stalker, likes to keep a hand on you at all times, especially if you are romantically involved. Hasn't yet decided if he's gay, but definitely hasn't proven his straightness, either.


She is always hanging out with the guys and may not have a lot of female friends to hang with on a day to day basis. Tries her hardest to fit in with the boys by playing video games, burping, commenting about the "hott" girls (and why they aren't good enough), takes part in random mischief etc. She is always there to give relationship advice, is usually friends with all of the guys girlfr


This guy never studies for tests; he cheated his way through high school and knows every trick in the book. Instead of studying he spends his time trying to figure out how to steal the answers from the professor or storing formulas in his TI83. Every test grade is either an A (if the got the answers)or D or F (if they didn't). This will eventually lead to a final grade of a C.

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