Friday, May 01, 2009
Madness that keeps me safe from me
Here I am, making the biggest mistake I know I can ever make on a calm, uneventful day, looking at frozen pieces from the cheap red wine with awe. The background music from the Saya song doing its magic. And at this very moment, I also want to be a star, get to hang in a bar, want to go to Vegas and hit the payers just to forget my scars. Watching the dance that we call life, and even here in this dark, lonely room, I feel surrounded by people. They keep popping up from the windows behind me that have no cover. I can't hide. They shout my name..."ATHAR!!"...and God knows how many people hate that name just because this Athar guy woke them up in the middle of a peaceful afternoon. And as of now even though its way past midnight, my cell phone keeps ringing and beeping. This is madness. They know I'm not sleeping. I never sleep. My mom knows the truth though. I try to concentrate, coming back to redesigning this blank piece of paper, I won't call it page. Page is dead. Its a strange month, old Urdu and Persian poetry seems to make so much more sense all of a sudden. Momin Khan Momin, Meer Taqi Meer...they were pure geniuses, bigger than the Einsteins and Edisons I'd dare say, they can defy the laws of physics. Its like they personally knew me. And indeed, the only ones to have ever known me. Its a strange feeling to see someone else talking about your deepest vulnerabilities. I've been robbed. There's a stranger out there who knows what I look and sound like when I cry...and doesn't care. Stranger I've spent countless hours with, holding hands...I let my world revolve around my mistake, the kind I never seem to learn from, the kind I seem to have been in love with. I now see how it has transformed. Its like a walking banner with my caricatures all over it drawn with weak, red crayons. I wonder why you don't shout my name. Why do you only whisper it to your so called friend when you see me walk by and turn your back on me? From you I have nothing to hide. I'm not a liar, but I wish I were. Why do you try to hide your face? It didn't have to be this way...I let my world revolve around you. I keep saying this again and again and its like a tongue twister involved in a twist of fates. Those who hate me - please hate me more. Let me know and I'll give you more reason to do so. And that is my revenge, and revenge is sweet. I know its madness. A.R. Rahman creates masterpieces, I want to dance like no one's watching, just like the night we shattered the dance floor at RYLA. This is madness. I hope nobody's reading this...even though I feel surrounded by people who listen to my stories and laugh as I entertain them, they call it a movie in words. This is madness...and I like it. My cell phone is ringing again. I'm not picking up. Its 3am and the sms says "u sleeping? r u arrite?". This is madness, I love it...and I should get back to it.
Posted by Athar at Friday, May 01, 2009